Goodbyes

I've been having a really hard time lately, and haven't really been able to express it. I feel so alone... I feel selfish saying that because I have family and one great friend and know all of them would be there at the drop of a dime. I can honestly say though that I just feel very alone in this world. No one txts me to see how my day is going, or asks what I am doing tonight or anything like that. Everyone has their lives and mine is just empty. I guess its just hit reality because the "sos" I thought really cared obviously didn't. In the last few months I lost a friend. Someone who I thought was supposed to be there for me through everything like I had been for her, but in the drop of a dime poof she was gone. We cried together, laughed together and now she is gone. The fact of the matter is I don't think towards the end she cared one way or another if I was there and I had accepted that reality... but its a totally different thing when they are gone completely. And some of the things she has said to me have been extremely hurtful. Then there was the guy. I feel like he nearly demolished my heart. He meant so much to me. I knew this was for the best the day he walked out my door and didn't bother trying to stop him, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. (now I'm crying) I feel like when he walked out he took a piece of my heart with him, and I don't think I've recovered and don't know how long it will take before it is repaired. I pressed forward after this and went on to date someone else who now has hurt me as well. I guess he didn't know how to be straight forward with me and instead just decided to play games and pretend he cared when he didn't. I think the true fact is I wasn't over 1 before 2 came around which makes for a bad combo. So now I sit here, packing my apartment, alone, confused, scared and just feeling empty. I know life has to change... I don't know where to start? Maybe this move will do it for me but I don't see it being that easy. I feel my insides screaming for help! My heart throbs of lonliness. So when does this change, and how? I'm trying to make peace with the decisions I've made cause a lot I made out of necessity and not want. But I've done the best with the curcamstainces I've been dealt. I'm making it through the days fine, its when I come home to this empty apartment that I break down... almost daily. The world seems to be going on around me while I sit still and watch. I'm so at a loss... I feel like I am a good person and that I'm being punished for something... but what? Cause God trust me when I say I would apologize or do anything to be forgiven for whatever I did.

Frustration

Today has been a challenge for me!!! I am doing everything I know how to let go of my control. I told the one I care about a very serious secret the other night and now I don't know where we stand. At the time he took it very well, but now I'm not so sure. I asked him how he felt about it and he said he wanted to talk to me in person, but when given the opportunity he to talk he didn't take it, which leaves me at wtf? I get so tired of putting myself out there for no reason. I held back from this man for a long time in that I never would let him in to my heart. He confronted me about this and so I felt it was time for him to know, and now... I wish things were more crystal cut. I am so sick of dealing with this card I've been dealt and having to know that no matter how good of a person I am, some people will never except me. I feel like its being disfigured... People say they accept you to your face cause they don't want to hurt your feelings, but in actuality they aren't going to stick around. I am who I am... I am a great, confident, competant, independant, and loving!!! I have a lot of love to give and just need someone on my level who wants me for me to give it to. I have no control over what others think about me... Now all I have to do is accept that and be ok with it. I am ok with the fact that this particular man may or may not walk away, but grow up and tell me what your going to do cause I'm over the unknown!

2011

So I've been wanting to write about how I've been feeling for a long time. I can be really random and I'm ok with that, but so much has been going on lately, and I have always liked writing about what was going on! 2010 was a learning experience for me, not only life lessons but school lessons as well. I fell in love with my new profession as an EMT and am so happy I took the chance. I learned a lot about myself too and what I am and am not willing to deal with for myself. I had to let go of some toxic relationships and as hard as it was and still is I know its for the best. I had to learn how to deal with my problems head on and not look back at what shoulda/ coulda happened and be ok with the path I've chosen. I learned a lot about who I am, you can't beat that! So now its 2011 and a lot is changing again. I'm moving and I am extatic about it. I can't wait to start a new page in my life. My job is going well and I can't wait to get on a 911 service. And I've learned that counting your true friends on one hand is better than counting your part time friends on two. I'm trying to not stress what I can't control in 2011. That is extremely hard for me!!! But I'm over making myself crazy for no reason. I had a lot of cards dealt to me in 2010 and did the best I knew how with them. And so far 2011 if proving to be the same way literally since Jan 1 but I know I have the strength and knowledge to deal with it. So this is 2011... I will take it in stride and pray for strength and guidance like I always do.